God is Dead and so is The American Sno-Cone: A Review of “Shaved Ice Island”

When Nietzsche wrote in the Gay Science in 1882 that “God is dead” he didn’t mean a deity had actually died or ceased to exist. He meant that the Abrahamic God had ceased to be a guiding force in our lives, a serious influence on our thoughts and actions. I assert that today in America, more or less the same catastrophe has occurred to The American Sno-Cone. Modern Sno-Cone stands pay lip service to “quality” and “refreshing flavor”, but seem to have forgotten or at least malignantly suppressed the original purpose of their industry’s endeavor: spiritual communion with something greater and colder than oneself.

A case study of the nihilistic state of Sno-Cone stands today can be found at “Shaved Ice Island” in Austin, TX just off the I-35 Riverside exit in the Shell Gas Station parking lot.

The ignorant attempt at mimicking (one might better describe it as mocking) Bahama Bucks’ tropical getaway theme is made immediately apparent by the stand’s tacky name and even tackier decoration featuring a monkey, turtle, dinosaur, dog, and gorilla on a beach with palm trees and a wooden surfboard. Where are these animals’ caretakers? Whence do they receive (or likely steal) their subsistence? The thought that they could peacefully coexist in such a deserted environment is impractical and stupid. Minus one star.

As one approaches the stand, the menu becomes a refuge in sanity, featuring all of the classic flavors and toppings with some additional innovations. I am extremely wary of Sno-Cone innovations. Don’t even get me started on the recent trend of adding fresh fruit—guess what the fruit is surrounded by? ICE. Guess what happens to fruit when it’s surrounded by ice? IT FREEZES. Once one gets to the advertised fruit, one must chip away at it like some primordial caveman—if only there was a way that the frozen fruit could be chipped away prior to the sale so that the flavor is maintained but it is infinitely easier to eat—YOU’VE JUST INVENTED THE SNO-CONE.

But “Shaved Ice Island” doesn’t fall into this trap. Their genial innovation is the addition of “Gourmet Flavors” featuring a variety of ethnic tastes and toppings such as the “Mangonada”, a spicy-sweet mango shaved ice with mango puree, chamoy, and chile spice. Delightful. Plus two stars.

I myself tried the “Watermelon Fresca” with creme. The first and most positive thing I must say about it was that it was clearly flavored using fresh watermelon juice, a rare delicacy among Sno-Cone stands. Plus two stars.

The second and most disappointing observation one makes is that the ice has completely frozen together. It is not entirely solid, but solid to an extent that is utterly inexcusable for a Sno-Cone stand. One cannot run ones tongue across the top dome and lap up like a blissful golden retriever on a spring summer’s day a million ice particles of watermelon flavor. Instead, one is forced to bite chunks out of this amalgamated disaster. It totally takes you out of the zone. Minus two stars.

Like most problems, this one only gets worse the further you go to its core. After biting through the dome, the middle-section of the Sno-Cone is so frozen one is forced to hammer away with the plastic spoon like an unwilling indentured servant working on the Trans-Continental Railroad in 1864. And, of course, the (delicious) watermelon juice has not been properly poured, and thus has failed to make its way to the Sno-Cone’s base, leaving just frozen ice to wash down one’s disappointment.

Although I am eager to try out its variety of Latin-inspired “Gourmet Flavors”, I must plead with the owner to invest in a more ethical (by which I mean more fine-grained) ice-shaver.

In a Godless world, we must find God in the everyday things. “Shaved Ice Island” denies one this opportunity.

I give this Sno-Cone stand one-star.